Mother’s Day When You No Longer Have a Mom

Thoughts from a Mom who Doesn’t Have a Mom Anymore

Mother’s Day is upon us. For many it is a time to celebrate their wonderful moms or to rejoice in the honor of being a mom. But, for many Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of love and loss. It can also be both, as is the case for me.

My mom passed away almost six years ago. There is no other day of the year, I am more acutely aware of her absence than on Mother’s Day. That is not to say I don’t think of her often and wish I could call her other days of the year. The fact is that Facebook and Instagram fill with photos of generations of moms all together celebrating. And though I know you can’t compare people’s FB lives to your real life, on Mother’s Day the disparity is just too real and painful.

The reality is that my relationship never looked like a Hallmark card. My mother and I were oil and water. We didn’t gel. Now that she is gone, I morn not only in her absence but in the fact, I will never have that relationship I so craved growing up.

Life is funny. For many years, I didn’t want kids because of my strained relationship with my mom. I rejected motherhood as a codependent, needy mess. But, by the time I met and married the man of my dreams, I was gung-ho and ready to be a mom and our beautiful daughter was born just 17 days after our one-year anniversary. Two and a half years later our son joined the family and we because a family of four. My mom with my kids in photos below.

Motherhood allowed me to heal the wounds inflicted by my own mother. Not in an unhealthy way but in a beautiful and healing way. I realized that I may not have had the mom I wanted or needed, but I could be the mom my children need. I show them an abundance of love. I tell them all the time that I love them. I always greet them with a smile because I want them to know they are the most wonderful gifts of my life.

Being adopted caused me to never feel truly tethered to this world. That is just my personal experience with adoption and probably has a lot to do with my mother not necessarily the reaction of all adopted children. Having children gave me roots and branches. It allowed me to see my personal connection to the earth and to grow in that realization.

My children are my mirrors. They not only reflect many of my features but the qualities of myself that are clearly a result of nature not nurture.  Those qualities that were belittled or denied by my own mother, I celebrate in my own children. It can be something as little as my daughter and I eagerly discussing costumes at the recent Met Gala (we both love fashion) or respecting my son’s need for a certain order to his things (we both like certain things a certain way).

I also celebrate their individuality. The unique characteristics that make them wonderfully, special individuals. As a parent, part of our job is to encourage and promote those gifts that are god given and individual to each person.

Of course, motherhood is not easy. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have lost my temper, over-protected or pushed too hard. My kids are teenagers now and I struggle to find the right balance of allowing their independence while guiding them toward success. One thing that is different, is I admit I don’t have all the answers and I apologize when I make a mistake.

Because my mother never apologized there was no way for us to build a trusting relationship. When one person is always right and the other always wrong, then both are denying the wrong person’s feelings.  And feelings are just feelings, they cannot be wrong or right. So, it becomes about the person being wrong or right.

My mother loved me in the only way she knew how. She couldn’t see what I needed but what needed fixing in me. The love was always conditional. I still find this so difficult to understand. From the moment my children came into the world, I loved them unconditionally. I realized there was nothing more precious than the gift of being their mom.

It has been almost six years since my mother passed and I am almost fifty. I am still working on healing the broken parts of me that are a result of mother. Because of this, I know the power a parent has over a child’s emotional health. I do not take this capacity lightly.

Of course, we all don’t escape childhood without some emotional baggage. I hope with a whole lot of love and my willingness to apologize; my children’s bags will be light.

Every Mother’s Day these emotions bubble up. They surface, simmer and recede. At times they are intense enough to bring tears of both sorrow and joy. There is great power in being a mother. I am humbled by it. Would I have preferred a different relationship with my mother? Absolutely. But, I use that experience to be a conscious parent to my kids now. And I think I am a pretty ok mom.

Of course, the views expressed in this post are just my personal opinions and memories. We all have different experiences and they shape our beliefs and enrich our world. The experience of my siblings is total different than mine. I do not begrudge their memories as I hope they would not judge mine. Do you have a story of growth from loss? I would love to hear it. Drop me a comment below.  If you would like to know more about me click here.